do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
