I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
