I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
they need to just BURY HIM!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
