My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
