My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
