My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
