I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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