...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
