If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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