You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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