It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
