dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
