remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So gin and wine won't be happening again
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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