that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
