Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
