How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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