You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
