Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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