well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
