Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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