wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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