So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
