If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
