I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just cropdusted the office
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
