All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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