Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
