How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
