Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
