I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
