pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
