if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
