I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
