I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
