i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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