alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
