I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
