Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
