I'm so fucking centered right now
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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