my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
