guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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