Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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