This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
