Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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