DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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