if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
