When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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