dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
