we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
