I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
