Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
