This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
