haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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